So Your Dog isn't a Social Butterfly

So Your Dog isn’t a Social Butterfly

Why That’s Ok and Tips to work through it

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Let me tell you a story. When I got Riley 8 years ago, back before I knew anything about dog training, before Agility was the obsession it has become, I had a plan to get this awesome dog who would go everywhere with me. I had been living away from my family dogs for four years at college, and every time I was out and about I was jealous of the people I would see with their dogs. I promised myself that my dog, when I got one, would be a running partner, an adventure partner, the dog you see at cafes and outdoor shopping malls hanging out and just being awesome. And you know what? He was!

Recently on a trip to Philly, Riley reminded me what an awesome job I did training him to be a city dog. He walks nicely on a loose leash, stays close in at my side, waits at cross walks, doesn’t greet others until he’s allowed. But this didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of planning, hard work, and heart break. It took going out into social situations armed with a backpack full of bones, treats, puzzles, toys, and activities to keep Riley entertained and well behaved. You know how you see parents out with their toddlers, and the adults look like they are weighed down with an army of accessories for their kids? Well that was me…except for my dog. I did what was necessary to set Riley up for success, and frequently that meant paying more attention to him than anything in my surroundings.

Fast forward 2 years and I uprooted my whole life (Riley included) to take a job in New York. Suddenly he was separated from my roommate who helped raise him, my boyfriend who from Riley’s perspective is “the most interesting man in the world”, and moved him to a small apartment complex in an urban area with much less green space…all at a time when many dogs go through significant hormonal changes leading to fear responses. Gradually over time I realized Ri wasn’t the social butterfly he had been before. He didn’t enjoy strangers petting him, and I had to start warning kids that he wasn’t friendly. We also had a horrendous dog park experience, so he was no longer interested in interacting with other dogs. Surprisingly, for how controlling I am about a lot of things, I was weirdly ok with all this. I think somewhere deep down, I realized that Riley’s happiness meant more to me than that dream of having the consummate well socialized dog. I gave him the space he wanted. I told people he wasn’t friendly, intentionally crossed to the other side of the street when we saw other dogs, and stopped taking him into urban situations. Simultaneously, I increased the time we spent in nature and rural settings, and gave him more time with people who he knew and trusted.

If your dog has a hard time in social settings, the best thing you can do for them, and yourself, is give them the space they are requesting. I’m talking both physical space (i.e. distance from stressors), as well as mental space. Take a step back and evaluate your goals for your dog. Why do you want them to greet every stranger, play with every dog, etc.? Unless your dog is being trained as a Therapy Dog, these things are probably nice-to-haves. Remember, your dog has a unique personality just like a child. Not all children are extroverts, some are introverts, and we don’t love them any less. Not every dog is a Golden Retriever, in fact, if you aren’t a Golden owner, you probably specifically got a breed that isn’t a Golden because you didn’t enjoy the exuberant greetings.

If you realize that at least being civil to, or ignoring humans and other dogs on the street is a life skill your dog needs (and anyone who doesn’t have 40 acres of property probably needs this skill), then you need to put into effect a solid training plan; a well socialized dog won’t happen overnight. Body language is King here. If you can’t read the signals and warnings your dog is putting out, you’ll never be able to earn their trust and work them through these difficult situations. Warnings can be as subtle as an ear flick, a tongue lick, or just looking away. Most dogs will escalate to collar scratching, head shaking, and yawning. If you hit running away, lunging and barking, or an inability to take treats, you’ve missed the boat entirely. You have to be able to read these signs, in order to find that sweet spot where your dog is far enough from the stressor to be unconcerned by it, but close enough to realize it is there.

Next, get out your treat pouch and get ready to go to work. Move to that sweet spot and reward, reward, reward. Reward your dog for just being in the presence of the stressor. Reward them for looking at you, for listening to you, for performing very simple well-trained tasks. And over time, slowly decrease the distance to the stressor. The rate at which this will happen is different for every dog, but the most important thing is not to rush this process. This process is all about building trust and teaching your dog that not only will nothing bad happen in the presence of the stressor, but also that they can rely on you. If you rush them, you eliminate all of that trust, and will need to go back to square one.

Lastly be realistic about your end goal. Some dogs will never want to run up and immediately frollick with another dog, and that is ok. Instead, shift your mindset so that your goal is to politely pass another dog on the street. Go back to my first paragraph. Why do you even want a dog who wants to greet every dog? This makes it more challenging to train a variety of life skills like recalls, loose leash walking, and listening to directions in the presence of other dogs. Not to mention that some day your dog may meet another dog who won’t appreciate an over-exuberant greeting, which could put everyone in a dangerous scenario.

Finally, when in doubt, throw food on the ground. Last week I talked about how this is a great method to distract a dog from a stressful situation while also counter-conditioning them. If you’re seeing the stress signs and you’re not sure what to do, toss a whole bunch of food to your dog. If your dog won’t take treats, then they can’t work, so immediately remove them from the situation. Don’t kid yourself and think the dog will just need to “toughen up and get over it”. If the dog is stressed enough that it can’t eat, their brain is in panic mode. Have you ever “learned” while in panic mode? In all likelihood you were all-consumed with the thought of getting out of that situation. The same is true for your dog, so just gently lead them away and let them chill out in a calming space (a crate is a great option here). Remember this isn’t a punishment, so don’t yell at your dog, yelling will only increase their fear reaction next time.

So how is Riley now? After giving him the space he asked for, he has started to become more and more social. He continues to surprise me by offering to great strangers on the street, and showing interest in meeting other dogs. However, since I want to keep his trust, I always expect he’ll want space in every interaction; then I let him show me the way.